By Gabe Gilker
Polyamory supporters in San Francisco. via WikiCommons.
Tall, dark, and handsome. That’s the general idea of a perfect husband
when you’re a little girl. You can’t really imagine what he’ll look
like, but you imagine he’ll be waiting for you at the end of the aisle.
You exchange vows in your own mind, have a tea party with some stuffed
animals, then forget all about the fake wedding and run off to skin your
knees somewhere. It’s pretty stereotypical to see little girls plan
their dream weddings and with the onslaught of television shows geared
toward monogamy like
Say Yes to the Dress, Bridezilla, Four Weddings,
and the countless other trashy programs that seem to be coming out, it
seems like the whole world is putting on the heat to find that one
eternal true love.
Anyway, I can’t tell whether it’s because I always develop a wandering
eye after a few months, or if I just start to feel suffocated and
trapped like a tiger in a cage, but monogamy always gives me that same
old feeling of jamming a puzzle piece into the wrong place. I thought
people in committed relationships were huge suckers. Then I had a friend
sit me down and explain polyamory.
For those of you who aren’t aware of what polyamory is, it’s kind of
like an open relationship but better. It’s based on the belief of loving
multiple partners, so you can have many lovers, yet still forge deep
and involved emotional relationships. The ideal polyamorous
relationships are egalitarian, communicative, and honest. It sounds a
little complicated at first, but once you get into the swing of things,
it can be a pretty great way of living if you’ve struggle with the idea
of “till death do us part.” The more I thought about it the more I
considered it to be the exact kind of relationship that I would like.
Basically, it seemed like a really good way to be pro-slut without
hurting anyone.
I called up Zoe Duff, the director of the
Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association, one of the organizers to “Claiming Our Right To Love,” the first ever Poly Convention in British Columbia, and author of
Love Alternatively Expressed,
which is due to be out this fall, to dispel some misunderstandings of
polyamory and maybe help me sort out why I generally feel less than
human when it comes to traditional relationships.
VICE: Some of my friends who are presently in polyamorous
relationships talk about the "rules" of being poly. What are some of
these rules?
Zoe Duff: Polyamory has the knowledge and consent of all
partners as a key component. Fundamental to the philosophy is open
honest communication and moving into new relationships with more than
just consent but the support of all partners. The rules of any poly
relationship are negotiated by the people in that relationship and
modified as new people are added. Deborah Anapole's book
Polyamory: The New Loving Without Limits
has lots of tips for the successful practice of polyamory. Moving at
the pace of the slowest partner is one that comes to mind. You don't
push your partner into accepting a new partner however enthralled you
are with him/her. You slow it down and negotiate as your partner is
comfortable. Getting ongoing feedback from your partners to ensure that
they all are getting a fair share of your time and energy is another.
Can you quickly explain to me some of the pros of being in a polyamorous relationship?
There are more minds on the problem, more incomes on the bills, more
hands to take care of the housework, and more loving
parents/grandparents to take care of the kids. Partners share different
interests with you and so there is someone to dance with, someone to
laugh with, someone to fix your computer, lots of snuggles, and schedule
permitting, lots of great sex.
What are some of the down sides of a polyamorous relationship?
Poly is a lot of work. If more monogamous people worked this hard on
communication, compromise, and inclusivity there would be a much lower
divorce rate. Things like jealousy and safer sex are obvious issues that
come up more often in poly relationships—but in general, poly people
learn to negotiate honestly and find solutions. Sometimes this is very
hard work. You can't get away with hiding information or bad behavior.
How do you avoid jealousy? It’s so human.
The trick is to keep the feedback continuous and be alert to the first
signs of jealousy. It is a perfectly natural reaction to needs not being
met. It is important to openly discuss it and find the true source.
There are desensitizing exercises that are terrific in Deborah Anapole's
book. You should not feel like you are "not poly enough" because you
are experiencing jealousy, and it is essential that your partners work
with you and support you working through it. There is always a period of
adjustment when new people are added to the relationship, and if
everyone works together with compromise and consideration the balance is
restored and the relationship shared by all is enhanced.
Official swag from PolyCon, the convention for polyamorists. via the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association.
What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy?
Polygamy can be polygyny (one male, several females) or polyandry (one
female, several males). It is most often the former, and the
relationships involve a marriage rite that is entrenched in some
organized religious doctrine. The relationships are governed by the
dominant partner—usually the male head of household—and his role is
sanctioned by the religious community. This dominant partner is the only
partner to have the right to take on new partners, although the
knowledge of current partners and their acceptance is considered a key
factor to the marriage covenant.
Polyamory can be any configuration of gender and size from the smaller
group of three partners to an extended network of unlimited partners.
Partners may or may not live together to still be considered members of
the family unit. Most commonly, all partners have equal rights and
responsibilities as well as full knowledge and consent to other partners
joining the family. There are no set rules to how these relationships
work, and are negotiated amongst the people involved.
How do you go about choosing a new partner to add to your already existing relationship?
Generally that is a process that you agree upon with your other
partners. Everyone has a different amount of discussion required in
being comfortable with adding new partners. In our family, we most often
meet someone through an online dating site or a poly community event.
If it’s online, we meet for coffee first and then date the person with
the understanding that we are in a poly family and any long term
relationship would involve getting to know other family members. If the
new person is a poly community member, likely we all know them anyway.
We all date outside of the household but a new partner that is to move
into the house must have the approval of all partners. In my experience,
it is important for the same gender partners or "metamours" to have a
good solid friendship for poly households to be happily successful.
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen from people who have attempted a poly relationship?
It never ceases to amaze me how someone who has struggled with
discrimination will in turn be critical of someone else's choices
because they differ from theirs. This happens in the poly community
because we are reinventing relationship forms and living on the growing
edge of personal development. “You don't do poly the way I do so you're
wrong.” That’s very counterproductive to community building and always
hurtful. Poly is about negotiating for a balance in the needs of those
in your poly configuration and being inclusive and at least tolerant of
the expression of other people who claim to espouse the same philosophy.
Would you say you're more of an asexual or a "quirky alone?" via Flickr.
Do you have any crazy poly stories to share with us?
The best poly stories are happy poly moments when the concept of
"compersion" is realized. Compersion is when you can find happiness in
the happiness of someone you love being loved by someone else. These are
noted on poly lists a lot. Moments when you get the "aha" that poly is
working and the philosophy is a reality. My best poly story is simply
the bliss of walking hand in hand down the street in Vancouver with both
of my partners at the same time and not getting one puzzled look or
rude comment. Sitting in a movie theater holding hands and cuddling
with both of them. Stopping outside my workplace to kiss each goodbye
after a lunch date and not even caring if there were puzzled looks by
passersby. The craziness of poly is the wonderfulness that it isn't
crazy—it is somebody's version of normal and all is right with the world
regardless of who you or I love.
For those of us who are thinking of making the switch to polyamory, how do you know if a poly relationship is good for you?
Same as any other relationship. Are you happy? Do you feel like your
needs are met and you are valued by your partners? Is the level of
communication and participation in decision making appropriate for your
needs? Do you feel empowered and loved beyond any other experience that
you wouldn't trade for anything? Relationships are always a work in
progress, so you might not have all of that right now, but if you have
none of it and you cry yourself to sleep at night, you’re in the wrong
relationship regardless of how many partners you have.
source: vice.com
