Can you remember the last time you stepped into a room full of
strangers and felt that self-conscious and awkward feeling rush over
you? Or that heart thumping moment when you wanted to ask someone on a
date, but were too shy to do so? Or wanting to approach someone for
business, but was too hesitant to actually do it? That anxiety in the
pit of your stomach in social situations? Does it always feel like
something is holding you back?
Regardless of whether you are introverted or extraverted, we can all
relate to that feeling of shyness at some point in our lives. Socially,
we tend to have the misconception that only introverts experience
shyness, but that is not true. Shyness has more to do with being
uncomfortable with one’s self, especially around other people.
This article is the result of collaboration between
Amanda Linehan, an introvert, and
Tina Su,
an extravert. Together, we wanted to shed some light on the topic of
shyness in a collective perspective from both extremes. We will also
share the ways that we used to turn shyness into personal empowerment.
The Three Components of Shyness
According to
Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the
Shyness Research Institute, shyness has three components:
- Excessive Self-Consciousness – you are overly aware of yourself, particularly in social situations.
- Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation – you tend to see yourself negatively.
- Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation – you tend to pay too much attention to all the things you are doing wrong when you are around other people.
Can you relate? When you are experiencing shyness, can you fit your
state of mind into one or more of the above categories? We sure can.
Why Do We Experience Shyness?
We all experience shyness differently and on varying degrees.
However, root cause can be boiled down to one of the following reasons:
1. Weak Self Image
This is especially true to our experiences in high school. We would
believe in the fallacy that our unique qualities were not interesting,
cool or worthy of anyone’s admiration.We would try to fit in with
everyone else, resulting in us not feeling like ourselves.
- Amanda: Looking back I’m not even sure I knew what my unique
abilities were, I just knew that everybody else seemed to be a cooler,
more interesting person than I was, so I tried to imitate them…poorly.:)
- Tina: I thought of myself as cool, because I was loud, and
worked very hard at keeping that image. It was of course, a false image
that I worked hard to keep. It was exhausting and I was exceedingly self
conscious. Even though people didn’t view me as shy, but I felt shy
most of the time with a lot of built up anxiety. Turns out, the ‘cool’
kids themselves have weak self images and wanted to fit in with everyone
else.
2. Pre-occupation with Self
When we’re around other people, we become extremely sensitive to what
we’re doing, as if we’ve been put on center stage. This creates anxiety
and makes us question our every move. Our focus centers around
ourselves and particularly on “what I was doing wrong”. This can cause a
downward spiral.
- Amanda: Coupled with a weak self image,I didn’t thinkIwas doing
anything right! And this would start a cycle that I couldn’t get out
of. What I understand now is that is that most people are not looking at
me with the detail thatI was looking at myself.
- Tina: I too was very sensitive to my every move around other
people. My senses were heightened to the way I talked, walked, laughed,
etc. My focus was on how to not screw up in front of other people, and
this made me very nervous. What I understand now is that everyone is so
caught up with their own insecurities that they hardly notice yours.
3. Labeling
When we label ourselves as a
shy person, we psychologically
feel inclined to live up to those expectations. We may say to ourselves,
“I am a shy person, than it must be true that I am shy. This is how I
am, and this is the way things are.” When we label something, that thing
has the perception of being fixed and therefore we must live up to the
expectations of the labeling.
- Amanda: I was known by others as a shy person, or a quiet
person, and this perception held me captive at times. People expected me
to be a certain way and so I was. And knowing that other people
regarded me as shy, in addition to my not wanting to be shy, resulted in
great anxiety when I was with people. I really wanted to show myself to
others when I was around them, but it was easy to simply go along with
what others expected from me.
- Tina: Deep down, I felt the anxieties from shyness often, yet,
when I’m around people, I had to live up to the expectations that I
wasn’t shy. My experiences with shyness would manifest in unusual ways,
like when I’m ordering food, when I call someone on the phone, or speak
to strangers. I would never let that side of myself show, but I do
experience it. In those moments, I can hear myself say, ‘I am shy.’
How to Overcome Shyness
We’ve both experienced different variations of shyness, and through
practice and increased awareness we have both overcome this. The
following are tips that have helped us overcome this uncomfortable
feeling.
Photo by Lauren
1. Understand Your Shyness
Seek to understand your unique brand of shyness and how that
manifests in your life. Understand what situation triggers this feeling?
And what are you concerned with at that point?
2. Turning Self Consciousness into Self Awareness
Recognize that the world is not looking at you. Besides, most people
are too busy looking at themselves. Instead of watching yourself as if
you are other people, bring your awareness inwards. Armed with your
understanding of what makes you shy, seek within yourself and become the
observing presence of your thoughts. Self awareness is the first step
towards any change or life improvement.
3. Find Your Strengths
We all have unique qualities and different ways of expressing
ourselves. It’s important to know and fully accept the things we do
well, even if they differ from the norm. If everyone was the same, the
world would be a pretty boring place.
- Find something you are good at and focus on doing it. An
identifiable strength will boost your natural self esteem and your ego,
helping you better identify with yourself. It is a short term fix, but
will give you the confidence you need to break your self-imposed barrier
of fear.
- See how your unique strength gives you an advantage. For example,
Amanda is a naturally quiet person who prefers to spend time alone. She
learned that she listens better than others and notices things that
others miss in conversations. She also discovered that her alone time
has given her a better understanding of herself.
4. Learn to Like Yourself
Practice appreciating yourself and liking the unique expression that
is you. Write a love letter to yourself, do things you enjoy, give
gratitude for your body and its effortless functions, spend quality time
getting to know yourself, go on a self-date.
5. Not Conforming
Trying to fit in like everyone else is exhausting and not very much
fun. Understand that it is okay to be different. In fact, underlying
popular kid’s public displays of coolness, they too are experiencing
insecurities, self-consciousness, and awkwardness. Accept that you may
not be perceived as the
most popular social butterfly, and you may not
want to be either. At the end of the day, being popular will not make you happy. Accepting your unique qualities can set you free.
6. Focus on Other People
Rather than focusing on your awkwardness in social situations, focus on other people and what they have to say.
Become interested in learning about others, and probe them to talk
about themselves. You can try pondering the question while interacting:
What is it about this person that I like?
7. Releasing Anxiety through Breath
Anxiety and fear can feel overwhelming if you are practicing to become more assertive in order to overcome this fear.
- One simple technique to calm this anxiety into manageable bites is taking deep breaths with your eyes closed, while concentrating on just your breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly while clearing out all thoughts.
- Another technique is from yoga: counting as you inhale and then as
you exhale. Slowly leveling out your inhale and exhale duration.
Example, 4 count for in and 4 for out. Once your breaths are leveled,
add an extra count during your exhale. This means slowing down your
exhale by just a tad as compared to your inhale. Continue for a few
minutes until you are comfortable, than add another count to your
exhale. You can easily do this in the bathroom, or in a spare room of
when you need it.
8. Releasing Anxiety through Movement
One way of viewing anxiety is that it is blocked energy that needs to
be released. We can release this energy through physical movement.
- Exercises like jogging or walking will help to re-channel some of
the blocked energies, but also helps by pulling you out of the situation
and shifts your state of mind. This refreshed state of mind will help
by adding perspectives to things.
- Another effective technique is a simple muscle meditation/exercise.
Sit down or lie down. Bring awareness to every part of your body,
starting from your toes and moving up your body to the top of your head.
At every part of your body, tighten the muscles at the center of
awareness for 3-5 seconds, and then relax. Repeat this until you get to
the top of your head. Remember to breathe.
9. Visualization
Visualizing yourself in the situation as a confident and happy person
helps to shape your perception of yourself when you are actually in the
situation. Close your eyes, sit back somewhere relaxing, listen to
some relaxing music, imagine yourself in a scene or situation and see
yourself the way you would like to be. In this scene, how do you feel?
What do you hear? Do you smell anything? Are you moving? What do you
see? Get all your senses involved to make it real.
10. Affirmation
Words can carry incredible energy. What we repeatedly tell
ourselves, gets heard by our unconscious mind, and it acts accordingly.
If we repeatedly tell ourselves that we are incapable, and too shy to do
anything, we will become increasingly aware of evidence to back up this
‘fact’, and our actions will always match what we tell ourselves.
Similarly, if we repeatedly tell ourselves that we are capable,
confident, and wonderful human beings, our unconscious mind will likely
surface the awareness that gives evidence to this new ‘fact’. While, we
can’t lie to ourselves, positive visualization and affirmation are
helpful in placing us along the road of positive thought patterns.
11. Do Not Leave an Uncomfortable Situation
When we leave shy situations, what we are really doing is reinforcing
our shyness. Instead, face the situation square in the face. Turn the
fearful situation into a place of introspection and personal growth. Become the observer and dig into yourself, answer the questions:
why do I feel this way? What caused me to feel this way? Can there be an alternative explanation to what is happening?
12. Accept Rejection
Accept the possibility that we can be rejected and learning to not
take it personally. Remember, you are not alone and we all experience
rejections. It is part of life and part of the learning process. The
key lies in how you handle rejections when they come. It helps to be
mentally prepared before they happen:
- Never take it personally. It was not your fault. It just wasn’t meant to be. The scenario was not the best fit for you.
- Find the lesson – what did you learn? There is a lesson ingrained in
every situation. And through these life lessons lies the potential for
you to become a better person, a stronger person. Nothing is lost if
you can find the lesson. See these as the blessings in disguise.
- Move on. Recognize that when you fall into self-pity, you are not
moving forward. Nothing will be changed from your self-pity. When you
start to recognize this, it becomes clear that only energy is wasted
while we feed to our problem-seeking ego. Pick yourself up, dust off
the dirt and move on to the next thing. Try again, try again, try again.
It will pay off!
13. Relinquish Perfectionism
When we compare ourselves, we tend to compare ourselves with the most
popular person in the room or we compare ourselves with celebrities we
see on TV. We set excessive expectations by comparing ourselves
unreasonably to people unlike ourselves and wonder “why can’t I be
that?” We carry with us a vision of another’s perfection and expect
ourselves to fit that exact mold. And when we don’t fit, we beat
ourselves up for it, wondering why we are such failures. You see, the
problem lies in our emphasis on fitting into a vision we have created in
our minds, which is not us. Let go of this perfect image, create
visions of yourself out of the Being from who you are, naturally; and
let that expression flow, naturally.
Photo via g2slp
14. Stop Labeling Yourself
Stop labeling yourself as a shy person. You are you, you are unique, and you are beautiful. Can’t we just leave it at that?
15. Practice Social Skills
Like any other skill, social skills can be cultivated through
practice and experience. The more you put yourself out there, the
easier it becomes next time. If you have a hard time knowing what to
say, you can practice what to say ahead of time.
16. Practice Being in Uncomfortable Situations
Sometimes, it is not the social skills we lack, but rather the lack
of self confidence that we may succeed, and a heightened fear that we
will fail. Placing yourself in these uncomfortable situations will help
to desensitize your fear towards the situation. The more you force
yourself to face it, and to experience it completely, you will realize
that it is not that bad after all. It may be hard for your ego to accept
at first, but quickly you will find that you can just laugh and enjoy
it.
17. The Three Questions
During social settings where you may experience nervousness,
periodically ask yourself the following three questions. Doing so will
distract yourself from more self-destructive thoughts. Make it your
mantra:
- Am I breathing?
- Am I relaxed?
- Am I moving with grace?
18. What is Comfortable for You?
Going to bars and clubs isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay.
Understand what feels comfortable for you, and find people, communities
and activities which bring out the best in you. You can be just as
equally social in settings that you connect with on a personal level,
than the popular social settings. You don’t have to be doing what
“everyone” else is doing. Besides, everyone else isn’t necessarily
happy, despite your perception as such.
19. Focus on the Moment
Becoming mindful
of what you’re doing, regardless of what you’re doing, will take focus
away from the self. When you are having a conversation, forget about
how you look, focus on the words, fall into the words, become absorbed
in the words. The tones. The expression. Appreciate it and give
gratitude for it.
20. Seek and Record Your Successes
As you overcome this condition we’ve been labeling as shyness, you
will have many wins and realizations about yourself. You will gain
insights into the truth behind social scenarios. You will start to view
yourself differently and come to recognize that you can become
comfortable and confident. When these wins and realizations happen, make
sure to keep a notebook and write them down. Keeping a journal of your
successes will not only boost self confidence, but also shift your focus
towards something that can benefit you.
source: thinksimplenow.com
On
why no channel bothered to cover Mizoram, CVoter managing director
Yashwant Deshmukh said: "No media channel commissions poll surveys for
the north east. (PTI)
